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An Executive Summary of Never Split The Difference
By Chris Voss
INTRODUCTION
Never Split The Difference is a game-changing book written by a former lead kidnapping negotiator with the FBI, Chris Voss. In this summary, we break down the ultimate negotiation tactics that are helpful in your business and personal life.
After many years of numerous hostage negotiations with the highest stakes possible, Chris Voss found that separating the people from the problem is not easy when kidnappers’ emotions are the very problem. He established simple and effective behavior patterns that help you execute your negotiation.
What exactly can you say and do to make sure you don’t have to study it? Here are the lessons and tips that are truly easy to understand and simple to execute.
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TACTICAL EMPATHY
It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening and trying to understand your counterpart’s position is the most effective way to execute it. You need to learn to listen.
We all feel more keen on cooperating when we feel heard. When you listen to your counterpart and empathize with their situation, eventually you get them to empathize with your situation as well.
Whether you are an FBI hostage negotiator, a businessman working on a new contract, or a candidate applying for a new position, this is the fundamental lesson to learn when negotiating.
Empathy is a give-and-take ability to understand someone’s feelings and thoughts on a specific situation from their own perspective rather than yours. The point is not to show that you agree with them, but that you empathize with them by putting effort in listening to their point of view.
Generally, when you let someone speak and open up, you will have the chance to seek their concerns and the real underlying cause of their actions. The result is that you will gather critical information that will help you lead negotiations and they will feel heard and thus less defensive when approaching you.
IS NOW A BAD TIME TO TALK? IS THIS A RIDICULOUS IDEA?
Picture this, you’re at work and you have to make numerous decisions that day. And the last thing you want to do is to hear about yet another problem that needs a solution as soon as possible.
Imagine that your subordinate, a member of the team you lead, approaches you to talk about getting a salary raise, but you’re already fed up with talking to him the moment he comes your way.
“Hi, do you have a moment to talk?” he asks. “Nah, sorry, I’m quite busy this week, working on the X project. Let’s catch up next week.” This is probably what you’d say if you heard a typical request of asking for a spare moment of your time.
Moreover, it would be a perfectly normal approach to the issue, because people can make only so many decisions in a day without getting frustrated and taking it out on others.
Such a way of asking a question is implying that the person who asks has something serious to discuss which can not only be time-consuming, and take far longer than a moment but also comes across as imposing or demanding in terms of one’s resources and emotional dedication.
Someone who just got such a question may think and speak their mind “No, I don’t even have a second to talk about it!” Now, imagine that the subordinate asks “Hi, is this a bad time to talk?”
You probably would answer something like” No, no, it’s not bad at all. Shoot. What’s on your mind?”
When we approach someone by already using this trick of undermining their position by making them feel obligated to explain themselves, right there we’re ahead of them.
Simply because we put them in the position of someone who can either engage to find a solution or engage to get their way out of this. Either way, they’d have to explain themselves to us, not the other way around.
Asking a question in an unobvious way, and seemingly putting the pressure of an affirmative answer on the counterpart, breaks the typical pattern of communication in such situations and intimidates them enough to care to listen to what you have to say.
What Chris Voss means is that we are so overwhelmed with time pressure, schedules, deadlines plus all kinds of personal stuff on a daily basis, that we think of the easiest ways to cut it out. However, if someone breaks our pattern of thinking down and tweaks the approach to merit, we start being more engaged and solution-oriented.
MIRRORING. IMITATE YOUR OPPONENT TO MAKE HIM STOP
It doesn’t appear often to be fully aware of imitating other people we talk to, but it’s a positive sign of creating some kind of a bond that leads to trust. People tend to be more empathetic and understanding to those who are similar to them and to the contrary, fear and distrust what’s different.
Although mirroring is most commonly associated with behavioral patterns used on an interpersonal level in terms of gestures, body language, and voice modulations, it is also a great technique to mirror verbal communication, specifically words.
The intention of mirroring should be “Please, help me understand” or “What do you mean by that?” This way you manifest not being defensive or willing to fight against someone.
Voss says that the key is to repeat 3 last words or 3 keywords of the last message someone just delivered. This way, by repeating back what people say, you trigger a mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.
Moreover, they might start doubting the sense of their own words, which at first are being said out loud with confidence and power, once they listen to what you mirror, thus they listen to the exact words said or asked by someone.
Let’s bring up an example. Imagine yourself in the following scenario of creating loads of unnecessary work:
Your boss tells you, “Let’s make two copies of all the paperwork.” And you respond, “I’m sorry, two copies?”
“Yes. One for us and one for the customer.”
“I’m sorry, so you are saying that the client is asking for a copy and we need a copy for internal use?”
“Actually, I’ll check with the client – they haven’t asked for anything. But I definitely want to have a copy.”
“Absolutely. Thanks for checking in with the customer. Where would you like to store the in-house copy though? There’s no more space for more paperwork in our archive.”
“It’s fine. You can store it anywhere.”
“Anywhere?”
“Actually, they can be stored in my office for now. I’ll ask my assistant to do this and you just go ahead and make two digital copies for now.”
This is just an example, but it shows that imitating someone when asking questions makes them rethink their position and engage them in finding another solution, sometimes because they realize what they asked for didn’t make sense and sometimes to save time. Either way, you get to walk away with your way.
LABELING. NEUTRALIZE THE NEGATIVE, REINFORCE THE POSITIVE
Labeling is a skill that is used with the aim of letting you reinforce a good aspect of the negotiation or diffuse a negative one. The main goal of labeling is to address the underlying emotions, not only the ones presented which are the result of the deeper ones.
First, you should detect the other person’s emotional state. When you ask someone about their family or work, or to be precise when you ask a landlord about their neighbors and he starts fidgeting his feet, you get an idea what the situation is like.
Once you’ve spotted an emotion you want to highlight, you need to label it aloud as a question or a statement.
Usually, we’d start it off with something neutral like “It seems like you don’t like…”, “It looks like you value…”, “It sounds like it’s important to you…” Rather than “I hear something is wrong with you.” or “Are you mad? Sad?”. Your aim should be to get them to agree with your observation and eventually say “That’s right”. Your questions should be empathetic and trigger your counterpart to reflect on your observations. When you hear “That’s right” it’s a negotiation breakthrough.
This way we show that we acknowledge your counterpart’s concerns and doubts without pointing the attention towards ourselves. Even more importantly, when they notice our empathy and feel invited to share how they feel, they exhibit more attention and trust towards you. Usually, people start sharing what’s on their minds, and the more they open up and talk about their feelings and opinions, the more information we gather and get the closer we come to finding the right solution.
WHY EVERY “NO” GET YOU CLOSER TO THE FINAL “YES”
Voss points out that we should break the habit of attempting to get people to say “yes” too soon. Being pushed for “yes” makes people defensive. We’ve been trained since childhood to go for “yes” as if it’s the opposite of the word “no,” is the worst word you could ever hear. And even though we want to get to an agreement, the easiest way to get there is by provoking negative answers at the beginning of negotiating.
There are unlimited meanings to answering someone in the negative. Usually a “no” is not a definite “no”, most of the time it means “I’m not ready to agree”, “I don’t understand” or “You’re making me feel uncomfortable.” The key is to listen to their answer and figure out the actual reason for someone to say “no”.
One brilliant example of using a no-oriented question that stuck with me was how to avoid being ignored by someone and start being heard. So to give you an idea how to execute this tactic, imagine that you’ve been working on a project with your customer who’s ignored you for a while, and after sending him one e-mail, and a follow-up and calling him, you’re fed up with this feeling of being powerless and ignored.
So what you should start doing is instead of writing questions which seek confirmation, like “Do you still want me to take care of this matter?” or “Could you give me a call so we can talk it through?” Ask him “Have you given up on this project?” or “Did you lose interest in moving forward with this project?”
You obviously seek a “no” for an answer, and as you can see clearly now, such a “no” is the right response for you to move forward with the communication and get what you need. So the possible answer would be “No, of course not. Sorry for not getting back to you, we’ve been swamped with work lately. Let’s meet up next week anytime it fits you.”
Chriss Voss proves with multiple first-hand examples, that though such an approach appears to be harsh, it’s effective and it works every time. The mechanism of asking such questions is simple – you provoke your counterpart to feel as if it was their responsibility for this project being neglected and as a result not moving forward. Moreover, since you bring up the negative matter within your question, even if it’s correct, they will put effort to avoid losing face in front of you. This leads them to show their dedication and engagement even more from now on.
CREATE AN ILLUSION OF CONTROL AND GUARANTEE EXECUTION
People love to be in charge and feel as if they are calling the shots all the time. Especially when negotiating a deal, they just love to be in control. Unfortunately sometimes showing too much force can come across as being dictatorial and confronting, which can cause aggressive confrontation with your counterpart. Forcing your opponent to admit you’re right is a dead end and will likely lead to breaking off the negotiation forever.
Sometimes, the solution to getting your way means not showing power and force at all, moreover, the most effective tactic you could use is creating an illusion of control for your counterpart. By calibrating the right questions and leading the discussion in a more confused and clumsy tone, you are going to make the other side feel as if they were the ones coming up with the ideas.
To be precise, Chriss Voss says it’s not a good idea to start your questions with “Why”, because it almost always sounds like an implied accusation. The other rule of thumb is to avoid questions answered with a short “yes”, because they don’t require much thought.
Instead, ask questions starting with “what” and “how”. Show your counterpart you genuinely seek a convenient solution to the issue you both are facing, so they are encouraged to put effort and spend their energy on devising it for you. Ask questions so the other side realize there are some implementation issues they need to clarify.
For example: “How am I supposed to do that?”, “How can we solve this issue?”, “What can I do to make it better for us?”, or “What are we trying to accomplish here?” As you can sense, in this very polite yet firm way, you are creating an illusion of control for the other party.
They perceive your questions as you searching for a solution and asking for their help. The reality is that you are discreetly pushing them towards increasing their commitment to the matter. So eventually they want to find the right solution for both of you.
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IDENTIFY AND UTILIZE THE UNKNOWN UNKNOWNS — THE BLACK SWANS
The Concept of a Black Swan is a game changer within the negotiation process, because even though we might be overly prepared for numerous scenarios, circumstances and events that may or may not take place, there is always a possibility of something happening out of the blue, something we haven’t even considered possible.
This concept teaches negotiators to predict the unpredictable. Black Swans don’t have to be some secret and guided pieces of information. On the contrary, they can be easily-accessible, but yet crucial to the trajectory of negotiation.
A Black Swan is considered to be a leverage multiplier.
Knowing the big picture and the background story of your counterpart means you can inflict loss and withhold gain. Knowing what your counterpart wants to gain and what they fear losing hands you the key to building the right leverage. To get leverage working for you, you need to persuade your counterpart that they have something real to lose if the deal falls through.
There are 3 types of leverage:
- Positive – which is the ability to give someone what they want;
- Negative – The ability to hurt someone;
- Normative – Using your counterpart’s norms to bring them around.
This is why it’s invaluable to know your counterpart’s Black Swans. You can find them in someone’s past, present, environment, traditions or even religion. The point is to find them before the other party does.
And remember: It all starts with the premise that people want to be understood and accepted.
OTHER EXECUTIVE SUMMARIES
By Duncan Clark | In less than two decades, Jack Ma has built the equivalent of e-Bay, Amazon, Paypal, and other online businesses for the Chinese market. Duncan Clark provides a fantastic context into understanding what makes Jack Ma the huge success he is today.
By Walter Isaacson | It’s rare to find a book and a personality that has been endorsed by prominent people such as Warren Buffett, Charlie Munger, and Elon Musk. Read more to know how Benjamin Franklin contributed to forge a unique identity for America.
By Michael Lewis | This book had a few great pointers that made you think about the complexity and the inefficiency of the global economic system. Read more about Lewis’ description of the new Third World in Boomerang: Travels in the New Third World.
By Roger Lowenstein | Together with the “Snowball”, this is the most comprehensive biography ever written about Warren Buffett's life story. In this book, Roger Lowenstein unravels how Warren Buffett leads his life.
