NEVER SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE (BOOK SUMMARY)

This book provides readers with direct and practical negotiating strategies.  Each chapter begins with an anecdote from Chris Voss’ career in negotiating for the release of hostages and then applies those learnings to business and personal settings.

Without deep understanding of human psychology, without the acceptance that we are all crazy irrational, impulsive emotional driven animals, all the raw intelligence and mathematical logic in the world is little help in the interplay of two people negotiating.

• Real world negotiation is far too unpredictable and complex than limit in negotiations to just using rationality.

• Feeling is a form of thinking.

• Cognitive Bias – unconscious and irrational brain processes literally distort the way we see the world.

• Framing effect – people respond differently to the same choice depending on how it is framed.

• Prospect Theory – explains why we take unwarranted risks in the face of uncertain losses.

• Loss Aversion – people are statistically more likely to act to avert a loss than to achieve an equal gain.

• 2 Systems of Thought:
  • System 1 – our animal mind; fast, instinctive, emotional, more influential than the second;
  • System 2 – slow, deliberate, logical

• Psychotherapy research shows that when people feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more, then become less oppositional to the point of view of others.
• Tactical Empathy – listening intently, balancing the subtle behaviors of Behaviour Influencing.

Application:

• Affect your prospect’s system 1 thinking, his inarticulate feelings, by how you frame and deliver your questions and statements. Only then you can guide his System 2 rationality and therefore modify his responses.
• By asking calibrated “how questions” you can influence the decision of your prospects.

Related Podcast Episode: Business Negotiations w/ Former FBI Agent Chris Voss

Good negotiators, going in know they have to be ready for possible surprises. GREAT negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal the surprise they are certain exist.

• Hold multiple hypotheses about the counterpart, his beliefs, all possible variables, and be alert in the now.

• Engage in the negotiation process with the mindset of discovery.

• Negotiation is not an act of battle, it is a process of discovery.

• Make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say.

• The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need (monetary, emotional or otherwise).

• Your most powerful tool in any verbal communication is your VOICE.
  • Late night FM DJ Voice
  • Positive/playful voice
  • Direct or assertive voice

• Mirroring (isopraxism) – essentially imitation; a neurobehavior humans.

• Use a voice that projects you as easy going, good natured to make your prospect feel calm and relaxed.

• Inflect downward, Talk slowly and clearly to convey that you are in control and that you’ve got things covered.

• Build rapport by mirroring your prospect, use the same expressions or words that they are using; Find a connection or a common ground to emphasize your similarity.
• Mirror by rephrasing, or repeating the last 3 words or the critical one.

• Always try to summarize the deal with prospects to show them you understand the agreement and their needs.

• How to disagree without being disagreeable
  • Step 1- Use the late night FM DJ voice
  • Step 2- Start with “I’m sorry…”
  • Step 3- Mirror
  • Step 4- Silence, at least 4 seconds
  • Step 5- Repeat

Related Article: The Way of the Wolf: Straight Line Selling

• Instead of denying or ignoring emotions, a good negotiator identifies and influences them.

• Emotions aren’t the obstacles, they are the means.

• Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment, and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow.
• Neural resonance – the process when we closely observe a person’s face, gestures and tone of voice, our brain begins to align with theirs.
  • Presenting – on the surface, you can hear and see.
  • Underlying Feeling – What motivates the behavior.

• Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgment. Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with a positive, compassionate and solution based thoughts.
• Do an accusation audit – listing every terrible thing your counterpart could say about you.

Application:

• Give someone’s emotion a name and you show how you identify with how that person feels. Use these neutral phrases and avoid the pronoun “I”:
  • It seems like…
  • It sounds like…
  • It looks like…

• Once you’ve thrown a label, be quiet and listen.

• Label negatives to diffuse them. Label positives to reinforce them.

• When making mistakes or delivering bad news, do an accusation audit which can soften the blow or lower the expectations.

Related Article: The Secrets of Closing the Sale by Zig Ziglar

• Negatives provide a great opportunity for you and the other party to clarify what you really want by eliminating what you don’t want.

• “No” starts the negotiation.

• Train to hear “No” not as something other than a rejection.
  • I’m not yet ready to agree
  • Confirmation – simple affirmation with no promise of action
  • Commitment – real deal

• Two Primal Human Urges

1. 1. The need to feel safe and secure
   2. The need to feel in control

• A solid “NO” at the start is a sign that the other person is engaged and thinking.

• No is not a failure, used strategically it’s an answer that opens path forward.
  • Allows real issue to be brought forth
  • Protect people from making ineffective decisions
  • Slows things down
  • Makes the other person feel safe and secure

• Persuasion is the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea.

• Ask questions that open the paths to your goal, it’s not about you.

• No one likes to feel abandoned or to admit that they lost control or do not have the authority.

Application:

• Use phrases like:
  • What about this doesn’t work for you?
  • What would you need to make it work?

• Force a No by:
  • Mislabeling the prospect’s emotion or desire.
  • Ask the other party what they don’t want.
  • Ask a ridiculous question: “It seems like you want the project to fail?”

Related Article: The Psychology of Selling by Brian Tracy

• The moment you’ve convinced someone that you truly understand his or her dreams and feelings, mental and behavioral change becomes possible, and the foundation for a breakthrough has been laid.
• The more the person feels understood, and positively affirmed, the more likely a constructive behavior will take hold.

• That’s right – the sweetest words in any negotiation. It’s better than a “YES”
• Before you convince that to see what you’re trying to accomplish, you have to say the things to them that will get them to say “That’s right”

• To them it’s a subtle EPIPHANY.

• “You’re right” is a disaster.

Application:

• Active Listening Arsenal:
  • Effective Pauses
  • Minimal Encouragers – yes, uh-huh, I see
  • Mirroring
  • Paraphrase
  • Summarize – a good summary is a combination of rearticulating the meaning of what is said plus the acknowledgment of the emotions underlying that meaning (paraphrasing + labeling = summary).

Related Article: The Art of Closing the Sale by Brian Tracy

Negotiation is never a linear formula. We all have irrational blind spots.

• We don’t compromise because it’s right, we do it to save face.

• Time is one of the most crucial variables in any negotiation.

• Deadlines causes pressure and anxiety because of the perception of loss we’ll incur in the future.

• When negotiation is done for one side, it’s over for the other too.

• When you approach the negotiation using projection. Don’t assume they would think like you do.

• We may use logic to reason ourselves toward a decision, the actual decision making is governed by emotion.

• FAIR – a very powerful word in negotiations. We are all hardwired to reject unfairness.

• Know what people are really buying – make them reveal their pains, problems, and unmet objectives.

• Prospect Theory – people are drawn to sure things over probabilities, even when the probability is a better choice.

• Your reputation precedes you. Be fair or treat them fairly at all times.

Application:

• Keep your own deadlines a secret so that other person cannot use it as leverage.

• When the counterpart drops the “fair” word, ask them to explain how you’re mistreating them.

• To get real leverage, persuade the prospect that they have something concrete to lose if the deal does not follow through.
  • Anchor their emotions
  • Let them go first…most of the time

• Know the emotional drivers and you can frame the benefits of any deal in language that will resonate.

Related Article: Executive Summary of Books Billionaires Read

• The secret to gaining an upper hand is in negotiation is giving the other party the illusion of control.

• The best way to ride a horse is in the direction in which it is going.

• Unbelief – active resistance to what the other side is saying; complete rejection.

• Open-ended, calibrated questions are subject to the interpretation of the counterpart instead of being rigidly defined. They allow you to introduce ideas and requests without sounding overbearing or pushy.

• There is always a team on the other side, acknowledge them.

• Avoid a showdown, show that you understand your counterpart instead of forcing them.

Application:

• Ask open-ended, calibrated questions using a respectful and deferential tone
  • “How am I supposed to do that?”
  • Use WHAT or HOW questions:
  • How does this look to you? What about this doesn’t work for you?
  • How would you like me to proceed?
  • What about this is important to you?
  • How can we solve this problem?

• Your job as a negotiator isn’t just to get to an agreement. It is getting to one that can be implemented and making sure it happens.

• Get the consent and make sure of the execution.

• YES is nothing without HOW.

• The trick to HOW – when correctly used, is a graceful way of saying NO and guide your counterpart to develop a better solution – your solution.

• Negotiation – the art of letting someone else have your way.

• You also have to be aware of the LEVEL 2 players, those behind the table apart from your contact.

• 7-38-55 Percent Rule
  • Only 7% is based on words
  • 38% comes from tone of voice
  • 55% from the speaker’s body language and face

• Pinocchio Effect – the longer the words, the more they are lying.

• I, we, me – the less important they are.

• Them, They, He, She – The more important the person you are speaking with.

• Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove road blocks.

Application:

• Make the prospect use your name. This humanizes you. It makes the other side see you as a person.

• Make them bid against themselves. Express NO 4 times without actually saying the word:

1. 1. “How am I supposed to do that?”
   2. “Your offer is very generous. I’m sorry but that doesn’t work for me”
   3. “I’m sorry but I just can’t do that”
   4. “I’m sorry, NO” – using downward inflection and a tone of regard

• The key to beginning a haggle is to rattle the other person ever so gently.

• Know which type are you and your counterpart- Analyst, Accommodator, Assertive?

• The Black Swan rule is don’t treat others the way you want to be treated; treat them the way they need to be treated.

• You bake with the flour you have.

 

Application:

• When being dragged to a haggle, detour the conversation where you can use nonmonetary issues to make the final price work – these can be beneficial to them and low cost to you.
• Strategic Umbrage – “I don’t see how that would work”
• Use empathy and different versions of N
• Use precise non-round numbers
• Throw in a nonmonetary offer to show your limit

• Black Swan – powerful unknown unknowns – theory tells us that things happen that were previously thought to be impossible or never thought of at all.
• What we don’t know will kill our deals.

• Black swans are leverage multipliers.

• Leverage – The ability to inflict loss and withhold gain; emotional concept – it can be manufactured whether it exists or not.

• 3 Types of Leverage:

1. 1. Positive Leverage – your ability to provide or withhold what the other wants
   2. Negative Leverage – your ability to make the other suffer
   3. Normative Leverage – using the other’s norms and standards to advance your position; See the inconsistencies between their beliefs and their actions

• Paradox of Power – the harder we push, the more likely we are to be met with resistance.

• Similarity Principle – we trust people more when we view them as being similar or familiar.

• Belonging is a primal instinct.

• Research studies have shown that people respond favorable to requests made in a reasonable tone of voice and followed with a “because” reason.

• Exploit the similarity principle. Always find something common between you and the other party.

• Get face time or move beyond the email (too impersonal).

• Search for constraints, hidden desires and bad information.

• Observe verbal and non-verbal communication at unguarded moments.